Love

Yesterday, I began to think about love and the love in my life after receiving a couple of text messages from a friend. You see his son (15 years old) expressed how much he loved him for what he does acknowledging that it can't be easy to raise a child these days. This expression of love took my friend by surprise pleasantly and overwhelmingly.

I began thinking about love and how we all, whether we admit it or not, desire to love and be loved. It is the core of our existence here on earth. God has given us all many gifts, however, I think that the most important and undervalued is the capacity to love.

Love takes many shapes and forms in various degrees. There is platonic love, brotherly and sisterly love as well as intimate love. All love involves the desires of the heart. Intimate love seems to be the most passionate love the causes many of us ultimate joy or severe disappointment and pain.

We walk through life daily searching for love like a buried treasure. From the moment we take our first breath as we exit our mother’s womb we are in search of love. As we continue on this path called life we continue to search. Once we have found love we tend to either smother ourselves in it or cherish and nurture it so that it can grow. This love thing, the intimate kind, happens when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Love affects each of us differently and will have many of us acting in ways that we simply could not have ever fathomed. Love is one intangible gift that we all wish to possess and give in return. While there are various degrees of intimate love some either find it and not know what to do with it or never find it and blindly trip over ourselves in an attempt to acquire it. Searching for love can have us doing some things with people we would have never given the time of day if we were not in such a mode of desire.

We show our love for one another in many ways (Hallmark card, favorite meal, flowers, non-reciprocal kindness, etc) and there are times when this love is returned and others when it is taken for granted. I use to say the person who wrote “it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” was crazy at best. To have lost in love is devastating at best and very painful. However, as I looked over my life and the love I have had, lost and even some I have never returned when received I do not regret any of my love experiences.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. (1 Corinthians 13:1-10)

Imagine what the world would be like if we allowed ourselves to give love and receive love without our misplaced conditions or limitations. Have you ever asked yourself, Could I have loved him or her more? Did I receive the love that was given to me freely? All love is not given unconditionally; however, true love is unconditional. Take inventory of your love. Allow yourself to be love and give love for it is truly a gift from God. I guarantee you that you will not regret it.

Silence is not always...Golden

When I was growing up there was a phrase that many people lived by or should I say hung there hat on for convenience…”Silence is Golden”. I even remember as a child that there were signs in my grammar school class rooms that espoused this credo. Many of us as children were told “children should be seen and not heard”. Of course as adults we then repeated what we were raised to believe. In the European culture children were allowed to speak their minds and say what they wanted to adults. Of course that was not the same in the culture of people of color. The minute you tried to immolate what Bobby or Susie said to their parents to any adult in your family or extended family (and that was anyone) you quickly learned that this was not allowed by getting a swift butt whoopin.

Now as an adult I feel that we should not have been told to be silent but to speak our minds in the appropriate setting. We should not have been disrespectful by any means. By instilling these lessons as children we have taken these lessons on to adulthood and remained silent when we really should be speaking with a loud voice. The only way to make a change is to speak up and do so boldly to allow yourself a voice in that particular space. It may not bring about the change that you may want but when you show up the people in the room will know that they can count on you to speak from your heart and mind. This in no uncertain terms keeps people in check for at times that is what is needed. You have to know when to speak and to do so from a basis of fact and not just conjecture.

I have stood on the sidelines many times and not spoken up and walked away kicking myself for allowing things to be said in my presence that I totally disagreed with. This silence thing takes over ever part of your life. Back in the mid to late 80’s HIV/AIDS began to ravage the LGBT community and yet the government was not speaking on it to any major degree. A group of activist began a campaign to ensure that the government noticed the community and those impacted by this virus. They came up with a very cleaver campaign entitled “Silence = Death”. It is a short statement but the impact was accurate and totally to the point meaning that the longer we put our heads in the sand the more people are going to die. This statement can be and should be applied to any area of your life where you have been content to stay silent for your own comfort.

Recently I have had to apply this very statement to my life. I typically try not to cause any uprising and want to keep things quiet and cordial especially when it comes to my relationship. However, I have learned that I had to speak up and make things a bit uncomfortable at times to get noticed and for the situation to change. There are those in life that love to argue, however, that is not part of my character. I did not grow up surrounded by those that argue so I do not like hearing it or being involved in it. Therefore, there are times when I just remain silent. Silence in not always golden for doing so lead to the death of my relationship. There were things affecting the relationship that WE avoided discussing in an effort to keep the peace. Not discussing them did not make them go away. When the time came to really discuss these issues it was a bit too late the relationship had already started to decay (i.e. Silence = Death). The death was not a physical one but death none-the-less. Our silence equaled the death of our relationship. Allow your presence to be acknowledged for the moment you do not do so death will be imminent.

Speak boldly and with authority for Silence is not always Golden!!!

Masks

Masks

I had the pleasure of hearing a good friend of mine tell her story and share her journey as a black lesbian mother and pastor. In reciting the accounts of her life and the journey she quoted several lines from a Paul Laurence Dunbar poem entitled "We Wear the Mask".
We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.
As my sister/friend finished just the first few lines of this very revealing poem I began to think on my life and how I have worn a mask for some time. I even thought about how the mask has changed as I have gotten older. The words of this poem seemed to resonate within me. The words and the meaning hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't say that my mask has been completely removed to reveal the real me. I once wore it to hide the ridicule that comes from being Black man in a society that neither loves my existence nor uphold my life as valuable. I once wore a mask to hide the discomfort of not accepting the gift the God gave me...my ability to love other men intimately. I once wore the mask of being the strong one in the family. The one that everyone knew would be successful. As I listened to her story and pondered over it I had to consistently ask myself..."What mask are you wearing now?!!!" I have been wearing the mask of total happiness for I am one that rarely complains about the difficulties that I am facing as I struggle daily; always trying to hold it together. I have yet to allow my daily worries spill over into my personal life. I am always giving and never asking for anything in return when at times I just want someone to be there for me every once in while. A hug, a sympathetic ear, a shoulder, a laugh…but I look around and I can’t see any avenue for that outlet. Most would be totally amazed/astonished to hear my worries. I have chosen to put that mask on as I leave the house in the morning for I have to keep up the appearance of having it all together. There is much pain and self doubt behind this mask. Just as I have been able to remove those masks of the past I must begin to remove this one. However this time it must be different I can't exchange it for a new one. Today is the beginning of my life as I slowly remove my ole friend to reveal the person most people do not know.
What mask have you had to wear to simply survive?

Marriage Equality in Black & White...or just White!

Recently, I was enroute to my office. While riding the train into the city I pulled my recent copy (August 2009) of The Advocate from my brief case and began reading an article on page 50 entitled “What Gives in Washington?” The article was basically noting the frustration the LGBT community has with the Obama administrations slow movement of repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) and Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), the federal law the defines marriage as being between and a man and woman. The article notes the there is rage in the community when it refers to the president’s progress. To be specific the article says “our rage”. When I read this I wondered what “our” they were refering to. For individuals that are not LGBT it is thought that we are one large group. However, there are several subgroups within the LGBT community. There is the community of color and the white community. When I read articles such as the one noted above the communities of color are not even a consideration.

If we look back to the initial Proposition 8 battle ground it has been successfully documented that while it was initially convenient to blame LGBT people of color, expressly the African American community, for the failure of successfully voting NO to Proposition 8. Based on the initial statistics many white LGBT men and women began blaming black and brown men and women for the passing of Proposition 8. When research was done beyond the statistics it was discovered that the “community” failed to look closely at all of the communities of color (LGBT and heterosexual) and attempt to educate them on the need to vote NO. Once again, the white LGBT community had taken communities of color for granted. To any LGBT person of color in any city this is nothing new at all. We have always been made to feel unwanted from north Halsted Street (Boystown) in Chicago with the new Center on Halsted to the Castro District in San Francisco.

In the overall landscape of the marriage equality struggle, the communities of color have been all but absent. When I see an LGBT man or woman getting married their partner does not look like me and therefore, there is a since of extreme disconnect because it does not affirm my relationship with my partner who happens to be African American. The white community does not understand that dynamic in the debate of marriage equality nor have many of them tried to ascertain why the issue of marriage equality does not seem to be anywhere on our radar screen.

It would benefit those that in the marriage equality fight to review the 2000 census, which states that more than half of the populations of Black same-sex couples in the U.S., are raising children.

· Black female same sex couples are as likely as Black married opposite sex couples to live with a nonbiological (foster or adopted) child (14%) while Black male same-sex couples are slightly less likely than Black married opposite-sex couples to live with a nonbiological child (10% v 13%).
· Black women in same-sex households parent at almost the same rate as Black married opposite-sex couples (61% v 69%), while Black men in same-sex relationships parent at about two-thirds the rate of married opposite-sex couples (46% v 69%)

Black women are discharged from the military under Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell at rates far exceeding their representation among service members; although they make up less than one percent of the military, they represent three percent of those discharged.

When it comes to the progress or what is defined as the slow movement of the president’s progress we as African Americans look at it very differently. The LGBT communities of color see the steps that Obama has taken in his short 6 month term in a manner that is less about his progress on LGBT matters but his progress a the President of the United States. It must clearly be understood that the agenda of the LGBT community of color and that of the white LGBT community is different. It has been stated to me and the basic sentiment in the Black LGBT community that if DADT and DOMA were repealed tomorrow the white community would not be on the battlefield for issues that matter in our community (i.e. HIV/AIDS prevention, joblessness, homeless teens, etc). We have not even tackled the issue of racism within the LGBT community.

It is my hope that the DADT and DOMA are repealed and I will do what I can to see that it happens, however, the advocates that are in the forefront must reach out to people of color for it is important for us all to cross the finish line together.

Michael Jackson...Forgiveness

There is one thing that we all have in common and that is the fact that we were all put on this earth for a limited time. I was reminded of that with the recent death of Michael Jackson. Hearing of his passing saddened me for I truly was looking forward to him performing those 50 concert dates and silencing his critics. It is a shame that in his death we have decided to embrace him and give him the love he so desired from us as his fans while he was living. The press found it financially rewarding to chisel away at the pedestal that they placed him on only to see that he was human and had feelings. While it was widely reported that he did some things that most of us would consider strange or awkward what was never reported was his brilliance as a business man. He was not just a great performer but an excellent business man. To have purchased a huge publishing catalog (unheard of in the music industry for that is where the wealth is built) spoke volumes for just how intelligent he was in business. I do feel that finally Michael Jackson can truly rest for he did not have the peace on earth that he deserved.

Growing up I never wanted to be Michael Jackson or emulated his moves on the stage. However, I did marvel at his talents and tried never to miss any of his television performances. His death left me with a sad feeling for from where I sat I felt he only wanted the world to embrace him, however, all that we did in North America was celebrate his reported strange behavior. Death can be unexpected or should I say untimely as we see it. However, I submit to you that you should not allow any harsh feelings to make their home in your heart for in the blink of an eye you or that person whom you have not forgiven will be gone. You will look back and think of how small the issue was that caused the harsh feelings.

As I close I will share this personal experience with you. One year my then partner and I were having a rough time in our relationship. His niece was graduating from Xavier University in New Orleans so we along with his sister and nephew got in the truck and started our drive from Chicago (approximately 14 hours). Well, I was still a bit bitter about something that had been done to me and while I loved him I was rather salty and unforgiving. If any of you have driven to NO you will know that there is this long bridge that goes over a body of water that you have to go over as you approach the city. Prior to approaching the bridge I turned the driving over to my partner. Well, as I set in the back seat behind him as he drove us in I was looking out of the window into a clear but dark sky. Everyone was quiet and clearly the voice of God spoke to me and said “You should forgive him for I have forgiven you”. I immediately sat up and was struck with an overwhelming feeling that has stayed with me now some 12 years later. I have never forgotten the message or the lesson. I am never too big or bold to admit my humanness and mistakes. Do not allow time to catch you in an unforgiving moment. God is watching.

Alive and Well

It has been almost 30 days since the 44th President of the United States took the oath of office. It is a day that I like most every other American especially those of color will remember for a life time. While we, the American people have decided to vote a man of African heritage into the highest most powerful office on this planet we as a country still battle with the issue of racism in varying degrees. Racism is a noun and defined on Dictionary.com as “a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one’s own race is superior and has the right to rule others”.

As I watched the news reporters interview various African-American citizens they all seemed to have the same response of exuberance and comments of “now we have arrived”. While I too am overjoyed and very proud of the fact that we now have an African-American President I do not believe we are close to overcoming. Racism is woven into the fiber of this country and we will only do ourselves severe harm by thinking that all of that has changed at this point and time. This is the same country that tortured my ancestors making them “strange fruit” hanging from 100 year old magnolia trees. As a country we do not have to look back to far to see that racism is not on life support but whose heart is beating with the vigor of a marathon runner. On June 7, 1998, James Byrd of Jasper, Texas accepted a ride from three white men one of which he knew. They took a chain wrapped it around his ankles stripped him naked and pulled him behind their fast moving pickup truck until he was decapitated. Police found 75 pieces of his body over the road. Okay maybe you are thinking that was over 10 years ago. In January 2009, a bakery in the Greenwich neighborhood in New York City was selling “Drunken Negro” cookies. The bake shop owner even had the audacity to say that he was doing this in honor of the 44th President of this country. In his response during an interview with a report he felt there was nothing wrong with this item being sold in his store.

Harrison, Arkansas is a town where some whites have decided to retire particularly because there are no blacks. Harrison is just an example of white a few cities in this country where the Klan flourishes because the racist attitudes have allowed then to exist comfortably. The Blacks that once lived there were run out of town.

We must not allow ourselves get so overwhelmed with the pride we feel in regard to the election that we forget about the history of this country and the hundreds of people of color that are behind bars because of the color of their skin. Racial profiling all over this country did not cease at 11:59 p.m. on January 19th. While progress has been made we must continue to fight until every brick to that proverbial wall of racism has been torn down. It is incumbent upon each of us to make this country a better place by having open and honest dialogue about race and recognizing our own racial bigotry. The conversation will bring about education and awareness for all of us. If nothing else we have the power to make a difference and we must seize that power to make it a reality.