2014 Oscar Awards - More than 12 Years.....

Academy Awards 2014...wow.   The Academy Awards show was hosted last evening by Ellen Degeneres.   The Academy Awards were highly anticipated this year because there were some great movies that hit the big screen in 2013.  One of which was 12 Years a Slave.   The Academy Awards has been known to snub the great works by African Americans in the film industry both in front of and behind the camera.  This year Steve McQueen (Director), John Ridley (Screenwriter), Chiwetel Ejiofor (Actor-Lead Character) and Lupita Nyong’o (Actress-Supporting Role) were all nominated for their contribution to the film.  Also, 12 Years also received a Best Picture nomination. 

This is the first time in many years I have watched the entire Academy Awards telecast.  I must say that Ellen kept me entertained and was a great host but I was hoping that blacks were not left walking away without an Oscar.  However, this would not be the first time that great works by blacks were inexplicably looked over by the members of the Academy.  I had become completed jaded when it came to the recognition process as well as the receipt of the award.  However, the black human spirit is amazing.  Regardless of how many times we have been let down and in some cases beaten down we still have a sense of hope that this one time things are going to be different (fair).  Therefore, we sit in front of our televisions waiting for that moment when the envelope is cracked open and the presenter reads….And the Oscar goes to….gasp!!!!

Last night was filled with much anticipation and hope.  As I sat at my computer on Facebook conversing with other friends commenting about the overall awards it became a very fun evening.  Then the presenter for Best Supporting Actress read off all the nominees and then Lupita Nyong’o’s name was called.  I was overjoyed for her performance as Patsy in 12 Years was riveting.  I shouted with joy.  However, as the night went on Chiwetel did not win for Best Actor but I knew it was a very close race.  Matthew Mcconaughey deserved to win for his performance in Dallas Buyer’s Club for it was one to beat.  Later that evening John Ridley won an Oscar which was great he is only the second black person to win for Best Adapted Screenplay.  Then at long last at the end of the awards the nominations for Best Film were being read by Will Smith.  I just knew it would be Gravity, however, to my wonderful surprise it was 12 Years a Slave.  That was icing on the cake. 

This film told the true story of a free black man that was captured in the north and sold into slavery in the south where he spent 12 years of his life.  The scenes were riveting, well-acted and well directed by all involved.  It is amazing to me that so many blacks have not taken the time to see the film.  Most people will tell you that they do not want to see the cruelty that leaps off the screen.  However, in not supporting this film it does a disservice to our ancestors and ourselves.  This is our history and yes it is painful but if you do not watch it and learn from it you will remain lost and misunderstood.   Our ancestors endured some horrific things as they struggled to live daily under the tyranny of slavery.  However, many made it and that is why we are here today and we MUST celebrate that.  But we can’t brush aside those difficult parts of our heritage and expect to be rewarded moving forward.  We get upset when the “white man” tells our story but yet we don’t want to embrace it, learn it and tell it to our children.  If we let someone else tell our story they have the ability to give it whatever ending or slant they desire.  Choosing to opt out and not learn, we walk away believing that those false stories are in fact true.  

It is my hope that with all the coveted recognition this movie has garnered that we as a race will embrace it fully and teach each other as well as our children, nephews and nieces that they have nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to their slave ancestors.  We are from some amazing and strong group of people for not everyone could have survived all that was endured.

Iconic Burden

Every parent desires nothing but the best for their child.  I am sure it is universal that parents raise their children with the goal of each child growing into loving, productive, self-sufficient members of society.   After reading the news recently I believe we, especially us in the African-American community, are thinking where what the hell is going on with the children of Martin and Coretta.   The fact that Martin III, Dexter and Bernice are possibly going back to court to begin yet another battle is disheartening. 

I can’t image what it would be like to grow up as the child of iconic parents.  I am sure that this could not be easy living your life in a fishbowl where the entire world is looking to see if you are going to be like your parents or slip up by making a public mistake and receiving immediate judgment passed upon you and your character for that one incident.    To be born to Martin Luther King, Jr. and Coretta Scott King must have had it shares of blessings and curses.  Martin and Coretta while they were very human they were also much respected not only in this country but the world.  Now that they are both deceased we the public expect their children to live respectable lives and to some degree continue to carry the torch of justice and activism.   I have begun to ask myself is that a valid and justified request and burden to lay at the feet of the King children. 

Over the past several years we have heard some rather disturbing stories about the battles that the siblings have been having in regard to the legacy of their father.   They have been taking each other to court over intellectual property (name, image, recorded voice and memorabilia) and now they are back in the news.  Only this time it is being reported that the brothers want to sell their father’s Nobel Peace Prize as well as his bible.   Why aren’t these items on loan to the Smithsonian?  What is it that is really at the root of all this contention between the siblings?    It would be so rewarding to see Martin, Dexter and Bernice united to fight to keep guard over the legacy of their parents instead they are fighting each other in the public arena like they are toddlers.   I personally can’t get past the idea that what I would consider a priceless item they APPEAR to not value what they possess. 

We will never know the true underline issues that seem to continue to bubble over between the King children.  Actually I don’t want to know, I just want the court battles to stop and for them to see the non-monetary value of the MLK items they own.

2013 Reflections (abridged version):

2013 Reflections (abridged version): 

As I sit and think about the previous 364 days of my life I begin to feel a myriad of emotions (laughter, sadness and joy).  Several lines from one of my favorite poems (Mother to Son – Langston Houghes) describes my experience this year….”Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.   It’s had tacks in it, And splinters, And boards torn up, And places with no carpet on the floor---Bare.”   

This year has been one of personal challenge.  My biggest heart break was having to bury my oldest sister.  You see my siblings are not just my siblings they are also my closest friends.  I was especially close to Jackie.  She was the oldest and I the youngest of the Wadley clan…"bookends".  And to see her struggle with health issues over the last 4 -5 years before her passing was tough for all of us.  She and I would talk at least 4 times a week prior to her becoming acutely ill.  My intellect helps me understand that she is in a better place and finally at peace, however, my heart is not so understanding I miss her dearly.    I love and cherish my surviving siblings and our relationships.  I know the loss of our sister has changed each of us in different ways. We all have a unique and different bond.

I have enjoyed seeing my great nephews (Cameron, Myles, Dylan and Grey) grow up.  While I endured the loss of my eldest sister God gave renewed hope as I saw  Grey get older and stronger after being born premature at 1lb 7oz and spending exactly 100 days in the hospital.  Grey (aka Little Warrior) has just started walking and is a testament of God’s grace and power of prayer.  On June 19^th Jackie made her transition to be with the Lord and exactly one month later  (July 19th) Grey celebrated his first birthday.  Thinking about the amazing power of God’s love and presence in these two situations alone takes my breath away.   These little boys have my heart and I know how much they truly love their Uncle Ronald.    They bring such joy to my life even though we live many miles apart.  They are the children I will never have.

On a personal level, my life has been up and down when it comes to love everlasting.  It has been filled with disappointment, joy and some extreme heartbreak.  However, the experiences have been interesting and God has had a hand in each situation.   I want to go into 2014 loving more and surrounding myself with those that know how to and are willing to love in return.  I can no longer worry about those that are unwilling to take this journey with me.   Life is short and I want more joy than sorry when necessary.  My close friends keep me laughing on days when things are not going so well (little do they know).  I thank God for their presence in my life.  

Ever since 2001 when I came to the realization the possibility of a long life is not guaranteed from one day to the next I vowed to take one BIG vacation annually.  I have kept that promise to myself all but one year since.  This year I went to Sint Maarteen (Dutch spelling/pronunciation) and had a great and relaxing time.  This was only my second time taking a vacation with someone and it was great.  Kenny and Joe are great guys and kept me laughing daily.   To be in the presence of kind and loving people is a blessing.  We had not seen each other in about 8 years but you would have thought we were neighbors.  It was good to get away and not think about anything happening back here in Chicago.   I still have some of my tan….YEAH!!!  What happened in Sint Maarteen stays in Sint Maarteen (Big Ass Smile).    Now I have to start planning for 2014.

I live a very blessed life at the end of the day.  You will never see me host a pity party for that is not my style.  While it is not a crystal stair, my life is filled with unmeasurable joy and blessings.  I thank you all for each part you have played in my life.  I pray that we all continue to recognize our blessings in 2014.

Will this Emptiness Subside

It has taken me some time to write this.  Oddly enough writing is my joy and one of my true passions in life.  It is a God given gift.  Now I am no Toni Morrison (smile) but I do what I do at the best of my abilities. 

About two months ago now my eldest sister and close friend died after a long struggle of a heart ailment.  Losing a sibling is different than losing a parent.  I really can't describe it but the feeling of loss is different.  For the last few months of her life she was in and out of hospitals and rehabilitation facilities.  Her quality of life had truly diminished and it was really tough for me and my other siblings to see her struggle as she did over the past few years. 

My relationship with Jackie was close as it is with all of my siblings.  However, as any of you that have siblings know the relationships vary with each brother or sister.   My closeness with Jackie started way before I could remember.   In most of the family photos where the five of us were the subject of the photo I would be positions on Jackie’s lap.  There she was holding her little fathead brother.  I am sure since she was the oldest she was given the responsibility of positioning me on her lap as the shutter clicked.  And with my dad as the family photographer, we took a LOT OF PICTURES.   

As we got older, my relationship with Jackie grew closer.   Once she got married and moved several blocks away to live with her husband at the time I was a little sad.  However, with her living so close we would still see each other often.  As time marched on and our lives changed but our relationship never wavered.  In fact Jackie was my confidant.  I could remember coming to terms with my sexuality.  Jackie was the first person I ever told.  Now I will not say that she was jumping for joy because that was not the case.  She was cautious because as most of my family and friends this was something that they did not really understand.  Hell, I was trying to understand it myself.

Jackie was the peacemaker in the family.  She wanted all things to be okay always.  I truly miss her as does my other siblings.  I find myself mentally thinking that I need to give her a call to talk about the latest “family events” or just to chat.  Then I realize that I will never hear her voice again and I get a sense of emptiness in the pit of my stomach.    I know that she is at peace for she no longer has a person that had a warped definition of love, no more ventilation and oxygen uses, consistent hospital visits to remove a build-up of fluid on her legs.  Yes, her last few years on this earth were very difficult.    However, I am thankful that the last three weeks of her life God stepped in and moved that “person” out of her life and moved Michael my older brother in.  He became her daily caretaker to ensure sure had her daily meals and medication at her house.  Michael was truly an angel and stepped in and stepped up when we as a family needed him. 

Currently there is a hole in my soul where Jackie once resided.  I know that this pain due to absence will heal but the scar will remain.  I will always miss her as I would if this was to happen to any of my siblings.  As I stated in the tribute I wrote and read at her home-going service, on the day I was born God immediately gave me my four best friends known as my siblings.  Today I have to go on without one of my siblings/best friends and it is a little difficult.  However, I thank God for the 53 years that I was able to experience life with my big sister.

Different, Not Deficient

A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with a dear friend, someone I have come to admire.  We had been having conversations about my writing; therefore, I shared my blog link with him.  After doing so I was a little apprehensive because there was a very personal blog that I had written earlier regarding my HIV status, one that I had only shared with probably 3 people.  After giving it to him I just said “oh well” the genie is out of the bottle now so whatever happens I will embrace it.   Well, while he and I were on the phone one evening I had the courage to ask him if he had read this particular blog.  He noted that he had read the blog.  One question that he posed was “So how is your life different since learning your HIV status?”  I found the question very interesting which lead me to this writing.

Okay, so here I sit ten (10) years later of dealing with my HIV status.  To be more accurate, from the date of diagnosis (October 25, 2001) until today (December 13, 2011) it has been:

10 years, 1 month, 19 days or;

            528 weeks or;

3,702 days or;

88,824 hours or;

5,329,400 minutes or;

319,766,400 seconds 

I have had to take my medication on a daily basis (currently 2 pills daily; one upon waking up and one before going to bed) which would be approximately 7,404 pills.   These pills are my lifeline to continued physical existence.    This also includes seeing my physician every three months to ensure that my health is intact.  

Since learning of my status, I have gone through a myriad of emotions.  I will say that I have evolved into this relatively outspoken and passionate activist about the lack of compassion when it comes to those of us that are impacted by HIV.  Now some 30 years later many still attach stigma to a positive diagnosis most of which is based on the assumption that promiscuity lead to infection.   However, for most of us that was/is not the case.  Better yet, so what if it was.  Is that person’s life and humanity less valuable because he was infected differently?    I think that I am at this place in my life for a reason and that is to become a voice and support in some way for those that are without voice or access.    The part that I am doing in the community or attempting to do is in direct correlation to my health status.  I cannot say that I would be as involved with this cause if I was still married and living my good ole comfortable suburban life with my spouse. 

Initially, when I was diagnosed I began to devalue my existence for I believed that I was not worthy of being loved or better yet that no one would love me.  Of course that was my own ignorance that had the loudest voice in my head at the time.  With that thought in mind I imposed my own relationship exile where I did not date anyone for about 3-4 years.    However, I realized that this feeling was one that many of those that are HIV positive encounter.  Fortunately, I was blessed enough to turn down the volume on that part of my fear and eventually move past it.  Truly I should have been on someone’s couch getting some sessions in for internally I was a wreck, however, outwardly I appeared very happy and well adjusted. 

Dating for me has been interesting for I dated men that were positive and those that were negative all of whom accepted all of who I was; HIV included.  It has been my policy to divulge my status to the person I was dating at the time and allow him decide if he wanted to remain on the dating path.  Not everyone is going to be able to accept dating an HIV positive individual.  You have to meet people where they are and accept that about then.  Their lack of acceptance of your status is fear on their part as well. Just know that this person is just not ready at this point and it does not make him a bad person; just human.  Telling someone is NEVER easy for we all want to be wanted especially by someone with whom you have a romantic interest.   Just like many of us I have been on this quest to find a partner that was loving, kind, able to communicate openly and honestly, authentic in his living, etc. and hopefully I will one day soon.    However, I am a better today at embracing this part of me which can only make me a better partner/spouse. 

While I have lived an authentic life regarding the romantic side of me, I have not done so when it comes to the HIV part of my life.  I know and realize that the fear of rejection and judgment I felt after being diagnosed in 2001 still lingers.  However, several months ago, I have decided to not allow that fear to control my life anymore.  I am slowly taking back that part of me for living in fear is no way to exist as a whole and happy human being. 

It is really hard to gauge how my life is different other than that medication, doctor’s visits and general fears.  This is all I have known for the past 10 years.   I will say that the one bold thing I have noticed is that I CHERISH life daily and embrace what God has blessed me with;  a very supportive family as well as a few close friends and a lot of material stuff (I am truly a consumer…smile).    I think of that shy “spoiled” boy growing up in public housing and the man I have become today and I know that my life even with the news of received on October 25, 2001 I am blessed.

The Ronald of October 24, 2001and the one today has evolved and that evolution was in part due to my HIV status.  It has been an interesting journey and I look forward to the rest that life has before me.

All God's Children

My life’s journey has been interesting, challenging, rewarding and insightful.  I have been blessed to have people in my life that offer wisdom which takes me to a deeper mode of thinking and introspection.  Just the other day I had one of those moments.  I was talking to a friend and she made a statement that literally floored me.  Before I share that statement with you let me note that we are both same gender loving individuals and Christians.  My friend has completed her MDiv (Master of Divinity) and is currently in the process of becoming an ordained minister. 

When things within the church frustrate either of us we lean on one another as a sounding board.  Several years ago I vowed to never get on another committee at church, however, a friend called me and said that she wanted a voice from the LGBT community and she immediately thought of me because of my activist history.  It did not take long before I my black ass was piss off so rather than deal with unnecessary frustration I quickly resigned.  I take responsibility for part of the issue that arose but how it was handled put my friend in an uncomfortable position and I thought it unfair. I shared this with my MDiv sista.  After we ended our phone conversation she sent me a text that stated “Just think we are going to have our funeral/going home services in the same sanctuary where we cannot consecrate our love for our partners”.  After reading that I was floored because she is so right which made me look more critically at the church where I worship.  Let me take a moment to say that this is a very dynamic and welcoming church in a denomination that openly supports marriage equality for all people.  However, each church has that ability to embrace the open and affirming doctrine or not.  My church, while it speaks inclusion it is only willing to dip its big toe in that water for to do so could and most likely would upset the membership of the church.   Declining membership equates to fewer tithes and offerings therefore silence or fence sitting is the order of the day.  

I have often asked myself, how can I or should I support a church that does not support me FULLY in all of who I am.  Because I was raised to attend church to worship and thank God for all that He has done for me I am conflicted by how I was raised and what I feel (abandoned). 

I find myself moving further and further away from the church as I get older because I am disappointed and disheartened because of the lack of visible inclusion.    It is odd to be in a place where you feel misunderstood by those who love you because they see the fact that the church is “welcoming” as enough.  I am not asking the church to put a rainbow banner out front but to do more than lip service and an occasional positive mention in a sermon or two a month.  Okay, yes we are miles ahead of most churches but we still have a long way to go, therefore, some even my LGBT sisters and brothers think that the crumbs from the table are enough because at least we are getting something.  I say a loud a resounding NO because for me that is not enough.   My not going to church does not mean I have given up my ability to thank, praise and believe in God but in fact it has given me the ability to demand full open acceptance.

Not As Authentic As I Thought

For quite a few years now I have celebrated the fact that I live an authentic life.  Well that was until recently.  Authentic living to me has never been about me flaunting my sexuality, however, what it did mean was not being ashamed of who I am and all that I am.  The fear of being judged without knowing the true me has caused me some discomfort in my past.  However, I had reached a point and time in my life where the opinions of others did not matter much at all anymore.   I chose to live as much of an authentic existence as I could in every facet of my life.  Taking that first step was not easy for it was like walking a tightrope without a net.  However, experience has taught me that if I am respectful of who I am and walk in love and confidence the discomfort that others may have will dissipate.  The 'coming out' (for lack of a better phrase) process is not a one-time thing.  Truly living an authentic life is a daily process for you will encounter someone almost daily that is unaware of parts of your life. 

Recently I began working for a new employer.  My previous place of employment was easy because I had been there for 17 years and authentic about who I was for 14 of those years.   So now I am faced with the process of meeting new people and building that working relationship all over again.  Inevitably someone at my new place of employment would ask some personal question(s) that I may feel compelled to answer that would shine a light on the total me.  However, that was not even a huge concern for I would be me and move forward.   There have been times in my life when I did not really see the proverbial freight train coming at all.  Well last week I had one of those moments.   

Like any new place of employment after a certain grace period you have to complete the necessary health insurance paperwork to get your health benefits in place.  On Wednesday the Human Resources Director came to my office to give me the booklet and application for insurance.  She asked me to look it over and we would discuss it later in the week.  I flipped through the document and application and my eyes caught a question that stopped me dead in my tracks.  On the medical history page the question about HIV status and diagnosis literally jumped out off the page and smacked me in my face.  The question sent me into a tailspin because while I have lived this very authentic life there was one thing that kept me in the bondage of shame, the fact that I am HIV positive.  I was diagnosed 2001 while employed by my previous employer.  Therefore, having to answer that question has never come up in my employment setting.  I have to tell you, so many things went through my head from 'I will just lie on the application' to 'what will they think of me'.    My other fear was also possibly being denied insurance coverage.  Thinking about how I would answer the question encompassed my every thought for several days.  However, there was no way I could not be honest.  My back was against the wall and I simply had to tell the truth about something that I have only had to share with family, close friends and sexual partners. 

As I thought about being authentic about this one thing that I allowed to hold me hostage I knew that I had to find it within myself to take my power back.  I have to say that God has given me a voice by speaking to me in times such as this.  Once I stepped out of the way I hear Him say that I could not allow this virus to define me for I am more than this.  The shame I may carry is not within me but placed at my feet by others and I have to choose not to pick it up and carry it.