Like Sand Through My Fingers

Here I sit a 58-year-old black gay man wondering about my personal life and what is in store for me in the years ahead.   Life has afforded me quite a few nice things and all have been blessings.   I never pictured myself at this age single with no real prospects of a serious relationship.  I have often been asked if I would get married and my answer is always in the affirmative.   It is not as if I am new to the experience of living with and loving someone.   I fell in love at 18 years old and we were together for the next 19 years.  It was wonderful, but we grew apart and neither one of us had the tools to fix what was broken, unfortunately. 

This morning I awoke to a video on Facebook to see that an associate was proposed to yesterday evening.  While in my heart and soul I am truly happy for him there is a part of me that says why can’t that be me also.  I have loved men after ending my 19-year relationship but unfortunately, they did not last for various reasons.  So, seeing this I decided to find a therapist because I wanted to fix the part of me that was contributing to the demise of these previous relationships.  It is not my goal to be married it is my goal to have a loving relationship and if that develops into marriage which we both want that would be nice.    Because I have had a long-term relationship I know that being in relations with someone is a 24/7 all in “job”.    

So where do I start?  I truly want my partner to be of African heritage and that seems to be a struggle within itself.  Some of my fellow same gender loving black men have a very different view of being in a relationship or relationships in general.   The partnership and growing together seems to be rather foreign to them.  This has been my experience and I can only speak to that.  I am sure that gay men in other cultures have dealt with some of the same things.  I know there are some amazing guys out there and I am not looking to hog tie one and force him into a relationship but the prospect of meeting someone that has the desire to DATE would be great. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am not looking at marriage as the end to all that is wrong with my person al life.  I think that for some time I had bought into the social media marriage pictorials.  As I see the beautiful pictures what is not shared are the issues that each relationship encounters.  It is easy to fall in love with the image/story that is being displayed which in most cases is a fallacy.  I have seen several relationships simply dissolve even those just a few weeks or months prior where photos of the happy couple/family were shared.  I had to revert to the old saying of “everything is never as it seems”.

I am not giving up on the idea of a loving relationship in my future and will always be open to the possibility.  However, I have made peace that this may not be a part of my future.  Making peace with my current relationship status does not mean that I do not feel left out when I see my friends and associates finding love.  However, there are times in the stillness of my thoughts I wonder, has he slipped through my fingers like a million grains of sand?.