Personal Reflection - 2014

A year in personal review and reflection.

This year was not all that bad or at least that is what I perceive as I sit on the cusp of 2015 and all that I anticipate.  My 2014 was filled with lessons and quite a few joys as well as a surprise that I NEVER saw coming.  As I round out this year I am still pinching myself (figuratively speaking). 

One of the high points of 2014 was being voted in as Board Chair of Chicago Black Gay Men’s Caucus (CBGMC).  The mission of this “boots on the ground” organization is “To mobilize and empower Black gay men and their allies to prevent new HIV infections by addressing the well-being of Black men who have sex with men”.  Believe me this has been rewarding yet challenging because as some of you know I am in Finance and not Social Services.  Fortunately, I am blessed to have a dedicated and professional staff that deals with the day-to-day work of the Caucus as well as fellow Board members and supporters that are professionals in this field of work.   The Caucus does some amazing and life changing work within the community and I am blessed to be a part of it.  I am very humbled by this experience and the opportunity and still finding my way.   

My health has been very good this year and that is a true blessing for I have heard of friends of friends passing at relatively young ages.  These sad occasions give me pause to remind me just how darn blessed I am to have my health today.  

I was asked by someone I admired and on occasion call my “twin” to participate in something called digital storytelling (sponsored by CBGMC) along with 7 other guys.  Because the request came from him I did not hesitate to agree without really knowing what it entailed.  Well, digital storytelling is basically a short (3-4 minutes) personal story that is told in your voice that includes video and still shots to assist in telling the story visually.  This weekend project was intense and consisted of many man hours.  We all were given a topic/subject (how HIV/AIDS impacted our lives) and asked to write a short story.   I have always believed that within each of us we have a story to tell like none other.  So because I love writing I was all over this.  The stories shared between eight SGL (same gender loving) black men was profound.  In our community we tend not to talk about the personal and only share that surface stuff.   Therefore, to me this was groundbreaking.  There was some crying and beautiful touching moments as each story was shared.  

As the year progressed I continued on and before I knew it I was preparing for my future life and seriously considering leaving Chicago, my birthplace and a city I truly love.  I am a man of action so when God placed that in my spirit I moved forward with it.  This initial feeling took hold on the Fourth of July weekend and just four months and one week later I had purchased a second home in another city.  The home is simply gorgeous and I can’t wait to reside there full-time.  This process brought about some celebration and some disappointment.  However, I chose to focus on the celebration and those who chose to celebrate with me.  My family has ALWAYS been a huge supporter of my dreams.  You see that is what was instilled in us as children and I thank my father (Robert Wadley) for his firm discipline, guidance of love.   Little did I know but I had prepared myself financially to be able to do this without much concern (see I believe that was God working).   Here I am the owner of two homes at once…me that SGL boy that lived in the projects most of his childhood.  Truly I am living my father’s dream.  A man who struggled to ensure me and my four siblings had a better life than he did.   My sister said something that almost broke me down as we were talking about my purchase.  She said “Daddy would be so proud of you” and that touch my heart for my father has always been my hero.  I continue to look up to him and think how much strength it took for him to raise 5 children after our mother and the love of his life passed away at 29 years of age.   

I continue to enjoy travelling and seeing the world.  Most people know I love the sun, therefore, I went to Punta Cana, (Republic of Dominica) in November.  The weather was absolutely gorgeous…no colder than 87 degrees.  I had a nice relaxing time and I did get my tan on (smile).   Now it is time to contemplate where I will spend my 2016 vacation.

 

As I move into 2015 and leave 2014 behind I pray that it continues to be filled with celebration and education.  I don’t expect everything in my life to be golden, however, I will continue to smile inside and out.  I will walk into 2015 (God willing) with tip-toed anticipation.  He has guided me this far and when I listened I realized the blessing He had in store.   

Big Mama!!!

This time of year is always very interesting to me.  I was asked a few days ago “How do I feel around Mother’s Day”?   My response to the question was “While I embrace and honor the day I do not really feel sad at all”.   The unfortunate thing is that my mother passed away before I got to know her.  I have no memories of her being in my life.  However, I know that she was with me for the first two years.   

As I thought about the question more the following days, I decided that I would ask my siblings who are older and all have memories of our mother the same question.    I am sure it must be more difficult for them in varying degrees.   Our mother was only twenty-nine years old when she passed away, leaving behind a husband and five children.  My siblings were 12, 10, 8 and 6 when our mother died after having surgery due to myasthenia gravis an autoimmune disease which was effecting her thyroid at the time.  This was in 1962 and the medical community was not as advanced in the knowledge of MG back then as they are now. 

While I have always felt, and still do so today, an emptiness due to not having my mother in my life I am not saddened by it.   My father, maternal grandmother (Big Mama), aunts and uncles did the best they knew how to by stepping in the gap that now existed in the lives of me and my siblings.  Everyone did the best they could for us.  My father’s sister (Muff) was cosmetologist and would do my sister’s hair.  No one and I mean NO ONE was allowed to do their hair.  If they did there was hell to pay.  Now my father passed away in 1996 (34 years after my mother) but he never remarried.   I am TRULY grateful for all the love that they showered on us (especially Big Mama).   When my mother – her daughter--passed away she quit her job to take care of me because I was not school age.  These were the days before pre-school.   All of my siblings were in school.  I lived with her from Sunday – Friday evening.  On Friday my dad would come to pick me up and off to McDonald’s we would go with my siblings.  It was a Friday ritual.  We all attended the same church (Truelight Baptist Church) so I got to be up under Big Mama during Sunday service.  There was nothing like the comfort of being with Big Mama.  My earliest memory is me laying my head on her lap in church as a child.  She was stern, wise and very loving.   As I think back to those days of living with her I remember her cooking.  Big Mama could THROW DOWN in kitchen.   I can remember falling in love with her greens and those potato rolls….LORD HAVE MERCY.  Oh and I can’t forget the pound cake!!!!  I am sure that is why I am so in love with soul food as an adult.

As me and my siblings got older we would go visit Big Mama a minimum of once a week. I remember us walking from our house to Big Mama’s.  Now it was not around the corner or down the street.  It was a bit of a hike but it was not a problem because the destination was worth it.  We knew that Big Mama would welcome us with open arms and fill our bellies.  There was no coming into her house without eating especially on Sunday.    When you walked in she would ask if you were hungry and it was disrespectful to turn down a meal.  She would get in that kitchen and whip something together in no time flat.  It seemed as if she would make those homemade rolls in the blink of an eye.  To this day I don’t know how she did it.   When my mom passed away Big Mama quit her job to take care of me.  From what I have been told is that Big Mama and my mom were very close.  She took my mom’s passing very hard.  

Growing up I felt so special for I was the only one of my siblings to get her attention five days a week (yes I was spoiled….very….but not rotten for Big Mama was not having that).   I don’t ever remember getting a "whooping"…not because she didn’t believe in it.  She would go to that closet and get that ironing cord and your butt would be sore for a week.   I loved Big Mama for she brought something to my life and my development as an adult that I know is special.   She was the best mother I could have had in the absence of my biological mom.

2014 Oscar Awards - More than 12 Years.....

Academy Awards 2014...wow.   The Academy Awards show was hosted last evening by Ellen Degeneres.   The Academy Awards were highly anticipated this year because there were some great movies that hit the big screen in 2013.  One of which was 12 Years a Slave.   The Academy Awards has been known to snub the great works by African Americans in the film industry both in front of and behind the camera.  This year Steve McQueen (Director), John Ridley (Screenwriter), Chiwetel Ejiofor (Actor-Lead Character) and Lupita Nyong’o (Actress-Supporting Role) were all nominated for their contribution to the film.  Also, 12 Years also received a Best Picture nomination. 

This is the first time in many years I have watched the entire Academy Awards telecast.  I must say that Ellen kept me entertained and was a great host but I was hoping that blacks were not left walking away without an Oscar.  However, this would not be the first time that great works by blacks were inexplicably looked over by the members of the Academy.  I had become completed jaded when it came to the recognition process as well as the receipt of the award.  However, the black human spirit is amazing.  Regardless of how many times we have been let down and in some cases beaten down we still have a sense of hope that this one time things are going to be different (fair).  Therefore, we sit in front of our televisions waiting for that moment when the envelope is cracked open and the presenter reads….And the Oscar goes to….gasp!!!!

Last night was filled with much anticipation and hope.  As I sat at my computer on Facebook conversing with other friends commenting about the overall awards it became a very fun evening.  Then the presenter for Best Supporting Actress read off all the nominees and then Lupita Nyong’o’s name was called.  I was overjoyed for her performance as Patsy in 12 Years was riveting.  I shouted with joy.  However, as the night went on Chiwetel did not win for Best Actor but I knew it was a very close race.  Matthew Mcconaughey deserved to win for his performance in Dallas Buyer’s Club for it was one to beat.  Later that evening John Ridley won an Oscar which was great he is only the second black person to win for Best Adapted Screenplay.  Then at long last at the end of the awards the nominations for Best Film were being read by Will Smith.  I just knew it would be Gravity, however, to my wonderful surprise it was 12 Years a Slave.  That was icing on the cake. 

This film told the true story of a free black man that was captured in the north and sold into slavery in the south where he spent 12 years of his life.  The scenes were riveting, well-acted and well directed by all involved.  It is amazing to me that so many blacks have not taken the time to see the film.  Most people will tell you that they do not want to see the cruelty that leaps off the screen.  However, in not supporting this film it does a disservice to our ancestors and ourselves.  This is our history and yes it is painful but if you do not watch it and learn from it you will remain lost and misunderstood.   Our ancestors endured some horrific things as they struggled to live daily under the tyranny of slavery.  However, many made it and that is why we are here today and we MUST celebrate that.  But we can’t brush aside those difficult parts of our heritage and expect to be rewarded moving forward.  We get upset when the “white man” tells our story but yet we don’t want to embrace it, learn it and tell it to our children.  If we let someone else tell our story they have the ability to give it whatever ending or slant they desire.  Choosing to opt out and not learn, we walk away believing that those false stories are in fact true.  

It is my hope that with all the coveted recognition this movie has garnered that we as a race will embrace it fully and teach each other as well as our children, nephews and nieces that they have nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to their slave ancestors.  We are from some amazing and strong group of people for not everyone could have survived all that was endured.

Iconic Burden

Every parent desires nothing but the best for their child.  I am sure it is universal that parents raise their children with the goal of each child growing into loving, productive, self-sufficient members of society.   After reading the news recently I believe we, especially us in the African-American community, are thinking where what the hell is going on with the children of Martin and Coretta.   The fact that Martin III, Dexter and Bernice are possibly going back to court to begin yet another battle is disheartening. 

I can’t image what it would be like to grow up as the child of iconic parents.  I am sure that this could not be easy living your life in a fishbowl where the entire world is looking to see if you are going to be like your parents or slip up by making a public mistake and receiving immediate judgment passed upon you and your character for that one incident.    To be born to Martin Luther King, Jr. and Coretta Scott King must have had it shares of blessings and curses.  Martin and Coretta while they were very human they were also much respected not only in this country but the world.  Now that they are both deceased we the public expect their children to live respectable lives and to some degree continue to carry the torch of justice and activism.   I have begun to ask myself is that a valid and justified request and burden to lay at the feet of the King children. 

Over the past several years we have heard some rather disturbing stories about the battles that the siblings have been having in regard to the legacy of their father.   They have been taking each other to court over intellectual property (name, image, recorded voice and memorabilia) and now they are back in the news.  Only this time it is being reported that the brothers want to sell their father’s Nobel Peace Prize as well as his bible.   Why aren’t these items on loan to the Smithsonian?  What is it that is really at the root of all this contention between the siblings?    It would be so rewarding to see Martin, Dexter and Bernice united to fight to keep guard over the legacy of their parents instead they are fighting each other in the public arena like they are toddlers.   I personally can’t get past the idea that what I would consider a priceless item they APPEAR to not value what they possess. 

We will never know the true underline issues that seem to continue to bubble over between the King children.  Actually I don’t want to know, I just want the court battles to stop and for them to see the non-monetary value of the MLK items they own.

2013 Reflections (abridged version):

2013 Reflections (abridged version): 

As I sit and think about the previous 364 days of my life I begin to feel a myriad of emotions (laughter, sadness and joy).  Several lines from one of my favorite poems (Mother to Son – Langston Houghes) describes my experience this year….”Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.   It’s had tacks in it, And splinters, And boards torn up, And places with no carpet on the floor---Bare.”   

This year has been one of personal challenge.  My biggest heart break was having to bury my oldest sister.  You see my siblings are not just my siblings they are also my closest friends.  I was especially close to Jackie.  She was the oldest and I the youngest of the Wadley clan…"bookends".  And to see her struggle with health issues over the last 4 -5 years before her passing was tough for all of us.  She and I would talk at least 4 times a week prior to her becoming acutely ill.  My intellect helps me understand that she is in a better place and finally at peace, however, my heart is not so understanding I miss her dearly.    I love and cherish my surviving siblings and our relationships.  I know the loss of our sister has changed each of us in different ways. We all have a unique and different bond.

I have enjoyed seeing my great nephews (Cameron, Myles, Dylan and Grey) grow up.  While I endured the loss of my eldest sister God gave renewed hope as I saw  Grey get older and stronger after being born premature at 1lb 7oz and spending exactly 100 days in the hospital.  Grey (aka Little Warrior) has just started walking and is a testament of God’s grace and power of prayer.  On June 19^th Jackie made her transition to be with the Lord and exactly one month later  (July 19th) Grey celebrated his first birthday.  Thinking about the amazing power of God’s love and presence in these two situations alone takes my breath away.   These little boys have my heart and I know how much they truly love their Uncle Ronald.    They bring such joy to my life even though we live many miles apart.  They are the children I will never have.

On a personal level, my life has been up and down when it comes to love everlasting.  It has been filled with disappointment, joy and some extreme heartbreak.  However, the experiences have been interesting and God has had a hand in each situation.   I want to go into 2014 loving more and surrounding myself with those that know how to and are willing to love in return.  I can no longer worry about those that are unwilling to take this journey with me.   Life is short and I want more joy than sorry when necessary.  My close friends keep me laughing on days when things are not going so well (little do they know).  I thank God for their presence in my life.  

Ever since 2001 when I came to the realization the possibility of a long life is not guaranteed from one day to the next I vowed to take one BIG vacation annually.  I have kept that promise to myself all but one year since.  This year I went to Sint Maarteen (Dutch spelling/pronunciation) and had a great and relaxing time.  This was only my second time taking a vacation with someone and it was great.  Kenny and Joe are great guys and kept me laughing daily.   To be in the presence of kind and loving people is a blessing.  We had not seen each other in about 8 years but you would have thought we were neighbors.  It was good to get away and not think about anything happening back here in Chicago.   I still have some of my tan….YEAH!!!  What happened in Sint Maarteen stays in Sint Maarteen (Big Ass Smile).    Now I have to start planning for 2014.

I live a very blessed life at the end of the day.  You will never see me host a pity party for that is not my style.  While it is not a crystal stair, my life is filled with unmeasurable joy and blessings.  I thank you all for each part you have played in my life.  I pray that we all continue to recognize our blessings in 2014.

Will this Emptiness Subside

It has taken me some time to write this.  Oddly enough writing is my joy and one of my true passions in life.  It is a God given gift.  Now I am no Toni Morrison (smile) but I do what I do at the best of my abilities. 

About two months ago now my eldest sister and close friend died after a long struggle of a heart ailment.  Losing a sibling is different than losing a parent.  I really can't describe it but the feeling of loss is different.  For the last few months of her life she was in and out of hospitals and rehabilitation facilities.  Her quality of life had truly diminished and it was really tough for me and my other siblings to see her struggle as she did over the past few years. 

My relationship with Jackie was close as it is with all of my siblings.  However, as any of you that have siblings know the relationships vary with each brother or sister.   My closeness with Jackie started way before I could remember.   In most of the family photos where the five of us were the subject of the photo I would be positions on Jackie’s lap.  There she was holding her little fathead brother.  I am sure since she was the oldest she was given the responsibility of positioning me on her lap as the shutter clicked.  And with my dad as the family photographer, we took a LOT OF PICTURES.   

As we got older, my relationship with Jackie grew closer.   Once she got married and moved several blocks away to live with her husband at the time I was a little sad.  However, with her living so close we would still see each other often.  As time marched on and our lives changed but our relationship never wavered.  In fact Jackie was my confidant.  I could remember coming to terms with my sexuality.  Jackie was the first person I ever told.  Now I will not say that she was jumping for joy because that was not the case.  She was cautious because as most of my family and friends this was something that they did not really understand.  Hell, I was trying to understand it myself.

Jackie was the peacemaker in the family.  She wanted all things to be okay always.  I truly miss her as does my other siblings.  I find myself mentally thinking that I need to give her a call to talk about the latest “family events” or just to chat.  Then I realize that I will never hear her voice again and I get a sense of emptiness in the pit of my stomach.    I know that she is at peace for she no longer has a person that had a warped definition of love, no more ventilation and oxygen uses, consistent hospital visits to remove a build-up of fluid on her legs.  Yes, her last few years on this earth were very difficult.    However, I am thankful that the last three weeks of her life God stepped in and moved that “person” out of her life and moved Michael my older brother in.  He became her daily caretaker to ensure sure had her daily meals and medication at her house.  Michael was truly an angel and stepped in and stepped up when we as a family needed him. 

Currently there is a hole in my soul where Jackie once resided.  I know that this pain due to absence will heal but the scar will remain.  I will always miss her as I would if this was to happen to any of my siblings.  As I stated in the tribute I wrote and read at her home-going service, on the day I was born God immediately gave me my four best friends known as my siblings.  Today I have to go on without one of my siblings/best friends and it is a little difficult.  However, I thank God for the 53 years that I was able to experience life with my big sister.

Different, Not Deficient

A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with a dear friend, someone I have come to admire.  We had been having conversations about my writing; therefore, I shared my blog link with him.  After doing so I was a little apprehensive because there was a very personal blog that I had written earlier regarding my HIV status, one that I had only shared with probably 3 people.  After giving it to him I just said “oh well” the genie is out of the bottle now so whatever happens I will embrace it.   Well, while he and I were on the phone one evening I had the courage to ask him if he had read this particular blog.  He noted that he had read the blog.  One question that he posed was “So how is your life different since learning your HIV status?”  I found the question very interesting which lead me to this writing.

Okay, so here I sit ten (10) years later of dealing with my HIV status.  To be more accurate, from the date of diagnosis (October 25, 2001) until today (December 13, 2011) it has been:

10 years, 1 month, 19 days or;

            528 weeks or;

3,702 days or;

88,824 hours or;

5,329,400 minutes or;

319,766,400 seconds 

I have had to take my medication on a daily basis (currently 2 pills daily; one upon waking up and one before going to bed) which would be approximately 7,404 pills.   These pills are my lifeline to continued physical existence.    This also includes seeing my physician every three months to ensure that my health is intact.  

Since learning of my status, I have gone through a myriad of emotions.  I will say that I have evolved into this relatively outspoken and passionate activist about the lack of compassion when it comes to those of us that are impacted by HIV.  Now some 30 years later many still attach stigma to a positive diagnosis most of which is based on the assumption that promiscuity lead to infection.   However, for most of us that was/is not the case.  Better yet, so what if it was.  Is that person’s life and humanity less valuable because he was infected differently?    I think that I am at this place in my life for a reason and that is to become a voice and support in some way for those that are without voice or access.    The part that I am doing in the community or attempting to do is in direct correlation to my health status.  I cannot say that I would be as involved with this cause if I was still married and living my good ole comfortable suburban life with my spouse. 

Initially, when I was diagnosed I began to devalue my existence for I believed that I was not worthy of being loved or better yet that no one would love me.  Of course that was my own ignorance that had the loudest voice in my head at the time.  With that thought in mind I imposed my own relationship exile where I did not date anyone for about 3-4 years.    However, I realized that this feeling was one that many of those that are HIV positive encounter.  Fortunately, I was blessed enough to turn down the volume on that part of my fear and eventually move past it.  Truly I should have been on someone’s couch getting some sessions in for internally I was a wreck, however, outwardly I appeared very happy and well adjusted. 

Dating for me has been interesting for I dated men that were positive and those that were negative all of whom accepted all of who I was; HIV included.  It has been my policy to divulge my status to the person I was dating at the time and allow him decide if he wanted to remain on the dating path.  Not everyone is going to be able to accept dating an HIV positive individual.  You have to meet people where they are and accept that about then.  Their lack of acceptance of your status is fear on their part as well. Just know that this person is just not ready at this point and it does not make him a bad person; just human.  Telling someone is NEVER easy for we all want to be wanted especially by someone with whom you have a romantic interest.   Just like many of us I have been on this quest to find a partner that was loving, kind, able to communicate openly and honestly, authentic in his living, etc. and hopefully I will one day soon.    However, I am a better today at embracing this part of me which can only make me a better partner/spouse. 

While I have lived an authentic life regarding the romantic side of me, I have not done so when it comes to the HIV part of my life.  I know and realize that the fear of rejection and judgment I felt after being diagnosed in 2001 still lingers.  However, several months ago, I have decided to not allow that fear to control my life anymore.  I am slowly taking back that part of me for living in fear is no way to exist as a whole and happy human being. 

It is really hard to gauge how my life is different other than that medication, doctor’s visits and general fears.  This is all I have known for the past 10 years.   I will say that the one bold thing I have noticed is that I CHERISH life daily and embrace what God has blessed me with;  a very supportive family as well as a few close friends and a lot of material stuff (I am truly a consumer…smile).    I think of that shy “spoiled” boy growing up in public housing and the man I have become today and I know that my life even with the news of received on October 25, 2001 I am blessed.

The Ronald of October 24, 2001and the one today has evolved and that evolution was in part due to my HIV status.  It has been an interesting journey and I look forward to the rest that life has before me.