Thursday, September 17, 2009

Call Me Hopeless

I have often wondered how one can continue to remain hopeful when so many hopeless situations seem to occur. Hopelessness when it comes to love…being in love, being loved and falling in love. Every time the horizon seemed to have that glow and the butterflies and anxiousness and enthusiasm would occur they seem to never the less be followed by uncertainty, doubt and fear. When this happens, it appears as if life has played a serious and awful trick on you. There comes a time when you simply say to yourself after love has been lost that you will never try again because the pain from the loss is so difficult to deal with. An internal decision is made where you say there is no way I am going to put myself through that again. However, life (God) drops someone in your life that helps you realize that your decision not to love again was unrealistic and selfish. It is at this point, where you just give yourself over to that feeling again and before you know it, you are walking on air and relishing the possibility of loving unconditionally again.

You see I know about this personally, for this has been my life and experience. Regardless of how many times I tell myself that I want to build this wall around my heart I cannot even lift the first brick. You see I was born to love and be loved. Noncommittal connections (i.e. booty calls) are fun because you do not have to answer to anyone and do as you please with whom you please NSA (no strings attached). However, the emotional price that you pay for an NSA life is expensive. You miss the richness of connecting with another human being on a very personal and intimate level that moves beyond that carnal nature but on a high emotional one. I love going down the difficult rode of love that is filled with disagreements, misunderstandings, words unspoken, etc. It is a difficult rode to travel but one I would give up for what is on the other side of all this is true vulnerable love. I want that experience again…am I scare and fearful…yes, but my heart races with anticipation thinking that this could possibly be the one that God has sent just for me. I am truly a hopeless romantic...always wanting my heart to be stolen and cherished. I still believe!!!