Call Me by Your Name

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of seeing the critically acclaimed independent film entitled Call Me by Your Name.  This movie is billed as a coming of age story about a young boy.  As a Black gay man I am always interested in seeing movies with a gay theme.  Also a couple of friends told me how the film touched them deeply so this heightened my interest.  By it being an independent film the release was not as wide as a normal high budget Hollywood backed film, however, this week it made it to a theatre that was relatively close to my home.  A friend reached out to me and asked if I wanted to accompany him to view the film.    

I honestly had not expectations or preconceived notions prior to purchasing my ticket.  I love independent films because they are typically so well done on smaller budgets.  They truly live up to the phrase “do less with more”. 

Elio is a 17 year old boy living with his parents in Italy.  Oliver comes to Italy for 6 weeks to work as Elio father’s research assistant.  Elio becomes enamored with Oliver.  Oliver being American has a different attitude about everyday life and seems to come off as arrogant.  Elio believes that Oliver doesn’t like him only to realize through conversation that he does think kindly of him.  After they divulge their interest in each other there are some interesting and tender moments.  My only issue with the film is the age difference of these two main characters.  Maybe this is exposing my prude nature but to have a 17 year old boy romantically involved with a man clearly much older seems to me to be inappropriate.  It did not help either that Elio is such a frail physical frame.  For me the age of consent is 18 and not 17.    When I see this and I have seen it in other gay films I immediately ask myself “Would the film going community think this was okay if Elio was Eliza?” Also, do we just accept this because gay men are already viewed as highly sexual individuals and therefore it is okay?    I cannot remember seeing a film in recent years of a young girl of 17 involved with a clearly older adult man.  Now let me say I honestly don’t look at heterosexual situations with much interest so I may have overlooked it.  If I am wrong I stand corrected.  However, if I am correct what does that say about us in this age of “acceptance”.  Clearly there is a prejudice.

Overall, the cinematography was amazing.  I enjoyed the film and it was very touching.  Towards the end after Oliver returns to the states Elio is clearly heartbroken.  He walks into his father’s study and they begin to talk about life and he lets his son know that he was aware of his love for Oliver as well as the pain he is experiencing.  I think that every gay child on this earth wished they could have had that kind of conversation with their parent at the time.  While Elio has had this very adult experience he is still a boy and the pain is incredible.  The fact that they had this conversation be with his father was writing genius for we do not give fathers enough credit for nurturing.  The father tells Elio, not worded exactly but…The pain you feel, deal with it and allow it to heal.  Don’t pluck it out and throw it away.  We often do that with hurt that by the time we are thirty years old we have nothing left to give someone.  Those lines resonated with me because I can say that I have met men who are so hard and unwilling to be vulnerable because they fear being hurt.  This is what we are taught as men.  Just suck it up and don’t allow anyone to hurt you again.  However, in the process you shut everyone out and finding love with a closed heart if impossible.   And I have to also admit to some degree I have been that guy with the guarded heart.  Thankfully I he is not a part of me today. 

Some of us may be compelled to compare it to Moonlight, which won best picture in 2017 at the Oscars, based on subject matter.  However, these are two totally different films and wonderful in their own right.  Even though I had the issue with the age disparity I do recommend this film.  I hope you enjoy it.

The Death Of A Friendship, Not A Friend

What do you do when a friend stops calling?  Losing a valued friendship can be hard and I don’t mean loss in the terms of death.  I mean loss in the terms communication.  Seasons change and you just naturally expect your valued friends to be there to some degree until one of us is called home to be with the Lord.    Well, I have learned that this is not always the case.

K.D. and I were pretty good friends and I really cared about his well-being.  He and I met through Yahoo 360 which was a blogging site that is no longer active.  We hit is off and although he lived in Ohio we hit is off and built a friendship.  As time went on he came to Chicago to visit one holiday weekend and I knew I had added a friend to my short roster of friends.  You see I do not believe in having a gaggle of friends for that has never served me well.  Associates, yes but not friends.  He and I would talk about everything, yet nothing at times.  At times our conversations consisted of me providing support and/or advice about his current love interest.  After several years of friendship our communication started to wane but that was okay.  Every friendship has its hills and valleys so I was okay with it. 

About a year later the relationship picks back up.  He has moved back to Ohio after a short stint in Georgia.  After getting back home we would talk quite often and picked right back up where we were a year ago.    As we continued to have fun loving conversation I noticed that I was really there to listen to his love life issues, however, he would never ask about my life.  This one particular evening that I remember vividly I was leaving the barbershop and I gave him a call in route to my destination.  The conversation went as it usually did then he stated “So how are you”.   I had enough of this one sided thing and responded “I would tell you if I thought you cared”.   I meant every word and syllable in that sentence.  After that conversation our relationship was gone for about 3 years. 

I cannot remember who made the first move to rekindle the friendship but I was happy to have my friend back.  We talked through what had happened previously.   We exchanged apologies and we moved on.  That brings us 2016.  The friendship was going okay.  It was never as strong as it had been but I was okay with that.  In latter 2017, we did not talk as much but that was cool then I decided I would reach out to him after a noticeable absence.  After confronting him on social media about the lack of returned phone calls I was told “Oh you know I have had a lot going on but I will call you”.  That phone call was not received and I just chalked it up to being busy so several months later I approached him again only to get the same response.  I finally had to bury what I thought was a good friendship with a very good person.  Now I have no doubt that K.D. is a good person, however, I had to realize that he no longer valued our friendship as I had.  Hey maybe he never valued it as I had and that I had to deal with. 

I truly cared for him as my friend and honestly was invested in his well-being.  However, I had to let go and quit hoping that things would turn around.  Some people just do not have the capacity and or desire to continue on.  

Seasons change and end and so do friendships.  I have had to mourn the death of my friendship with K.D. as well as let go.  As I walk into 2018 I have one less friend but I am more self-aware.

Oprah for President, Wait Not So Fast

 

Last night Oprah made a moving and powerful acceptance speech as she was receiving her Cecile B, DeMille award at the 75^th annual Golden Globes Awards.  Oprah has never failed us for she is a great orator and quite intelligent.  She did not become a billionaire by being mediocre.  Oprah has always been a force for just her mention or endorsement can move any of people mostly women to support simply on her word.  Several years ago there was a phrase, the Oprah effect that was coined to address this phenomenon.  With just one mention from Oprah could take a company from mere obscurity to global recognition.    Oprah can impact and make more changes to improve the world as a private citizen than as a president.

After her soul stirring speech last night, many people have been hinting that she should run for president of the United States in 2020.  While she is stating that is not her desire John/Jane Q. Public is not having it.  They want her to run.  This unyielding desire to have her on the 2020 ballot has a lot to do with this countries disheartening feeling about the man that currently sits in the White House today.  We have been inundated with daily craziness and the people of this country want to change that by soliciting someone very familiar, loved, intelligent and caring…Oprah.  While I simply love her and hang on to most words that come from her lips I do not feel that president of the United States should be in her future.  This country needs to have someone that know politics and the political structure and process.  A political background is needed to understand the process to be completely successful.  While many of you will say that she can surround herself with intelligent people.  However, lack of experience for herself would be deterrent to effectiveness. 

One thing that has not been mentioned is the issue of support from the Black community.  Now let’s be honest, some in the Black community will not support her because they do not like that fact that her base support is from Caucasian women.   I can hear it now….”I wouldn’t vote for Oprah because she thinks she is white”.  As a race of people we want to call you ours and that is not possible if you’re always with elbowing with white folks.  We always want to hold people to a litmus test to determine just how black you really are.   Yes this is some of the most asinine shit I have ever heard but some of us do it.    Let’s not forget how much we celebrated Barack Obama on November 4, 2008, however, that celebration did not last long for we wanted him to want into the oval office and fix the ills of the black communities across this nation.  Once we determined that we had to share him with the rest of the country we were a little pissed and he was not doing things to “fix us”.  Mind you these were issues that had been in these communities for many years.  His biggest critics were from those within the Black community.  While Oprah is loved today the winds of celebration will turn quickly.    

It is time for this country to get back to basics.  Get a candidate that has been shaped and molded by the experience of being a politician.  I do not mean any disrespect to Oprah but choosing her to be our 2020 candidate would be taking the easy way out.  Raise up a candidate that we all can believe in and get behind and our voices and actions can be strong enough to pull him/her over the finish line.  I have faith in us but we have to stop trying to do it the easy way.  As my father once told me “nothing worth having is easy”.

 

Reflections - 2017

2017 was a very good year for me.  Personal growth was something I asked for and I received that.  Now it has not been a painless process but here I stand today a bit wiser, stronger and more aware. 

Where do I begin?  There are a couple of things that immediately come to mind when I think of 2017.  On February 10^th I received a call around 7:00 am informing me that my ex-partner and best friend had just been rushed to the hospital.  In that moment I wanted to stay calm and reassure his sister that everything was going to be okay.  Robert was going to make it through this.  As I hung up the phone I began to pray.  Later that evening I went to the hospital to visit Robert and what I saw made my heart drop.   He was hooked up to multiple machines and currently unconscious.  Now this was not my first time dealing with death of a close loved one, however, never to this degree.  I took a deep breath and entered the room.  Many things happen in the moment and they do not become clear until after you have emotionally settled down.  Here was this man I had known and loved since I was 18 years old.   Our lives were entwined for 38 years. The first 19 of which was as his partner and the last 19 as best friends.  I kept the faith but it did not look good.  My prayer was specific.  I asked God to take him if he could not restore him to at least 90% of the capacity that he was prior to the 10^th,   On February 14^th I received a text message from Keith (Robert’s ex-partner after our relationship) stating that when I got to the hospital that evening I should play some gospel music for him.  That evening after getting home I had decided that I was not going to drive to the hospital after working all day.  Robert was stable and nothing had really changed.  Well, as I was standing in my kitchen the voice of God said to me “you need to go to the hospital now”.  I have heard this voice a few times I my life and each time it was necessary to listen and do as instructed.  I did go to visit him and sat and talked with him for about an hour. While he was still unconscious I wanted him to know that I was there.  The following day at about 10:15 am I got a text from his niece telling me that they had just received a call from the hospital noting that there had been a change and they needed to get there.   At approximately 2:37 pm I was notified that Robert had made his transition.   I took solace in knowing that God answered my prayers and Robert was no longer struggling and suffering anymore.   His death has been painful on another level than that which I felt when my father and sister passed away but I am at peace.

At the end of 2015 I began counselling for several reasons.  One of which was to discover what was I doing wrong for my relationships were not sustaining.  What could I do better and different to make them work.  Anyone who has been in a relationship knows that loving someone is never an easy task.  There are many challenges in trying to make it work.  I set off on this self-discovery journey with no road map.  I just wanted it to allow myself to be open to the process and willing to hear all the good, bad and ugly about Ronald.  Facing it was the only way to change it.  I learned some very interesting things about myself that I did not recognize.  Currently, I am working daily to ensure that when I see the old me surfacing I try to recognize it and talk to myself about what I have learned to do instead.  I do not every think I will be totally changed but those things that I recognize I am changing or have already changed.  It is comforting to hear your friends say “you have changed”.  Even my ex noticed by saying “you are so different”.  That one hit me and I asked him to expound to which he replied “you are stronger” than when we dated.   What I did not tell him was that he was one of sparks that caused me to attend counselling.  I highly recommend counselling but you have to find a good therapist which can be difficult.  I as fortunate to find the person I did.  He came along just when I needed him and did not even know it. 

It is good to sit on the back end of 2017 and say to yourself that you live a good life.  My cousin gave me a dose of reality one day.  I posted on FB something about those that “have” (privileged lives and lifestyles) and how I wished that I was one them.  Well my cousin responded back to say that there are people that see me as one of the “haves” because I am always sitting in an airport flying off somewhere and at that moment I was shocked.  She made a very valid point.  What I have presented to the world is a very comfortable life and that it is but I never really recognized just how comfortable my life has been.  I like most of us deal with debt and struggles but the reality of the situation is that I life a good life.  Not extravagant or perfect but it is pretty darn good and I realize that I am blessed.

I did not do any major travel this year instead I stayed stateside and traveled to check on my friend.  He was diagnosed with cancer earlier in the year.  Actually he was the third person close to me that was diagnosed this year.  My response to that was that I have decided to capture life and not put off some things I had initially started to do later in life.  This was a clear sign to me to shift my focus.

Earlier in 2017 I went with a coworker to be in the audience of a television program (Windy City Live) here in Chicago.  We knew that the two lead actors from Power (Starz Network) was going to be the quest so we were able to get tickets.  They were doing two shows that day.  The actors from Power would be the live show and they were taping a show to appear the following day.  Well, the taped show included a card reader.  She was taking questions from the audience.  However, only women were asking the questions.  So one of the cohost noted the he wanted a question from a man.  He looked and me and so I stood and asked “Will I get married this year (2017)?”  She responded that I would get married by the end of the year.  Well 2017 has ended and I am not married…LOL.  I did not take it serious…kind of.  But it would have been cool if I had even met someone that was serious about dating but that did not happen either.  Good thing I did not pay for her reading.  I would have been a bit upset.

It is always good to look back and take inventory of your life from time to time.  I do so at various times throughout the year but definitely at the end of each year.  Reflection can be beneficial for it lets you see what blessing were bestowed upon up as well as hurdles you have encountered.  Hopefully the hurdles allowed you to recognize that God has always remained by your side as you pushed through.

I walk into 2018 with tiptoe expectations of what this year will bring me.  I know that God has some amazing things in store for me.