Hello All,
This is a very personal blog because I am in a really
interesting space in my life presently.
I feel a since of inner peace that I haven’t felt in a long time. Now do not get me wrong I am not walking
around with a fixated smile or humming melodic tunes all day. However, it appears that parts of my world
are coming into focus. I think that this
is a result of therapy/counseling and age.
I started seeing a therapist last year because I felt myself
digging this proverbial hole for myself that I simply wanted to crawl in and
let the word just go by. For those of
you that do not know me well may not know that my mother passed away when I was
2 years of age. Her death is something I
have never really reconciled because I never thought I had to for I have not
one recollection of my mother. However,
I think about her on a daily basis. My
four older siblings have memories of our mother that they have shared. I have never felt like the odd man out but I
do feel as though I have been short changed.
Another focus of my therapy was the intimate side of my
life. A little over a year ago I ended a
relationship with a person that I loved very much. The decision was not hasty but over time it
had been thought out due to the various issues that we had encountered. It was very evident after our last
conversation during our relationship that he and I were in two different places
and getting back on the same path was not going to happen. I had done all I knew how to do and in doing
so the end result was that it was not enough.
I had to end it regardless of the imminent pain.
So the breakup as well as the issues regarding my mother’s
death was too much for me to handle.
Fortunately I was forging a new friendship with a therapist. I asked him if he was taking on additional
clients and we began the process of peeling back the layers of my life.
As we began the process of course I noted my reason for
seeking therapy. The first few months were
a bit challenging because we discussed my mother. It was evident that I was masking some pain
and discomfort after several sessions.
Things I had no idea that were beneath the surface. We finally came to the conclusion that my mother’s
death left a hole in me that I could never close and one I had not dealt
with. During one of my sessions my
therapist noted “do you realize that you always mention you mother in every
session regardless of what we are talking about”. I had no idea that I was doing that which was
proof that there was something there that I really needed to address. I can remember cleaning the house one evening
and my mind began to go back to the most recent session. It was at that time
that the pain set in regarding my mother’s absence. The disappointment and despair hit me in the
gut. I had to stop cleaning and sit down
because realizing that there was a hole in my soul that I will never be able to
resolve was very difficult to acknowledge and accept. That realization was one of the most
difficult things I had to accept and deal with.
Now armed with this new information, the question was how I could move forward. I can say that it has not been an easy
process but it is better. Over the
months we discuss my mother delving into my inner most thoughts and it has been
revealing even to me.
The other part of my therapy process was geared around my inability
to sustain an intimate relationship specifically my most recent one because the
pain was still fresh. This proved a bit
more difficult because I just knew that the issue was not with me but with him. Why couldn’t he just love me in return and
not feel as if I was out to get him. Ha,
silly me. I realized that loving someone
and being there for them in a very giving manner can hamper that person from
giving for the willingness to do so. I
also discovered that I can’t fix a broken person for that is a job only he can
do. Now do not get me wrong, I have my
own shit to correct but I knew what love and loving someone encompassed.
Through therapy I was able to look back on some clear signs that showed me that
he was broken but I knew he had the capacity to love. However, what I did not know is that he did
not know how to love fully nor receive that which was being given freely. Vulnerability
was a weakness to him and he was not going to be weak for me or anyone
else. I know that each of us deal with brokenness to
some degree but trying to love someone that does not acknowledge and/or
recognize it is dangerous for it is like kryptonite to Superman. I look back and think of his actions, words
and deep conversations and in 99% of them there was a sign that I neglected
and/or was unwilling to see. I became an
enabler by not addressing the elephant in the room. My work on self is DAILY
but what therapy has taught me is that there is no quick fix. I now think about things and situations a lot
more intently. When I know that it does
not look right the new me realizes that I can’t save you and I am enough. This is my que to exit because it is not
going to get any better.
Today, I am still in therapy because for me this is an
ongoing process. I see a very distinct
change in my relationship evaluation process.
The once constant giver is no longer there. I give of myself because I want to and not
because I think it will help you which in turn would make me feel accomplished. Of all the things I have to work through,
this is the most challenging.
I can remember telling my cousin Kim with whom I have a
close relationship that I had given up on ever getting married. I have always been a staunch supporter of
marriage equality and felt that now that I could marry someone legally I wanted
it. However, prior to therapy and after
what I consider a very devastating loss and disappointment I resided that this
was not going to be part of my future. However,
the one thing therapy has given me is the ability to hope again. I am a
work in progress but I have inner peace!!!
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